I am tired.
I am tired of tasks that never seem to end. I am tired of scheduling doctor and therapy appointments. I am tired of vacuuming, sweeping the kitchen floor and doing laundry. I am tired of rearranging my schedule to fit everyone else's needs. I am tired of reading book contracts and catalog copy. I am tired of trying so hard to be perfect at everything. It is really wearing me out.
The other day Elijah had his 2-year old check up. I was feeling a little ill, so Al agreed to take him instead. As soon as they left I started to worry. I am the one who usually attends Elijah's therapy sessions and medical appointments. What if the doctor asks Al something and he doesn't know? What if Elijah needs a clean diaper after they weigh him? What if Al doesn't ask the right questions or remember all of the doctor's recommendations? So I grabbed the diaper bag, had Josiah put on his coat and shoes and we rushed out to meet Al and Elijah at the doctor's office. It turns out that Elijah did need a clean diaper and I probably provided more information than Al would have been able to, but I don't think it was as necessary for me to there as I had convinced myself.
My spiritual director is convinced that it would be good for me to have more fun, to receive opportunities to enjoy life when I am tempted to strive towards perfection instead. You would think this would be easy, but my inner critic actually makes this somewhat difficult. My inner critic takes the invitation to, "Go ahead and have fun once in a while" and makes it a command, "You should have more fun." So even having fun becomes another task instead of an invitation. And so, I often feel guilty no matter what decision I make. If I play with the kids all morning, I feel guilty that I didn't clean the house. If I clean the house, I feel guilty that I didn't play with kids. If I play with the kids and clean the house, I feel guilty that I didn't finish some other task on my never ending list of things to do.
I am thankful for the days when I am able to receive opportunities to enjoy life, for the times I am able to be present to the moment instead of deciding what task needs to be accomplished next.